Working Without a Net

This has been an interesting week for Adam.

I travel for work quite often, sometimes a week at a stretch, and although my company has been kind enough to keep me close to home during the adoption placement and the months leading up to it, all good things must come to an end, and I found myself in Orlando this week at yet another trade show, while Adam stayed home with the kids, solo parenting for the first time ever.

Now keep in mind, Adam, much as we admire him, gets anxious if you ask him to pop over around six and let your dog out. It’s not that he’s incapable of diving into the deep end of the pool – far from it, he’s all heart – he just hasn’t been required, until this week, to take his floaties off and swim without a lifeguard.

Conservative, anti-gay, radio windbag Dennis Prager sneers at same-sex marriage as “the the most radical social experiment in modern history.” And while I carefully keep two out of ten fingers in close reserve for Mr. Prager should the two of us ever bump into each other in a dark alley, I have to admit how close he comes to describing Adam’s first week alone with the kids.

Tuesday morning when I woke up in my suite at the Peabody (and let me say if you’ve never rolled out of bed in a suite at the Peabody, put it on your bucket list), I couldn’t help myself. I texted Adam and said, “Not to brag, but I’ve got a TV built into my bathroom mirror, pancakes on the way from room service, and soap in the shower shaped like little ducks.” He fired back, “Glad to hear it. I’ve got Pop Tarts smashed all over the carpet and diarrhea.”

I went back to look at his Facebook statuses for the play-by-play, almost anticipating them to be written in crayon by a shaky hand that got shakier as the week went by, but other than a second day tattle on Justuce for not brushing her teeth, it was total radio silence. Poor man was too busy to complain about anything else.

Let’s see. Justuce got the week off to a hoot and a holler by not getting into bed the first night. She just stood there with that special, frozen “no” look she reserves just for Adam and me. After a 1-2-3 count that resulted in the loss television for the next day, Adam simply turned on her nightlight, closed the door and left her standing in the middle of her bedroom, staring at her wall. Sorry folks, that’s how we roll. Justuce’s defiance is carved in marble. Sometimes when you've looked at the statue long enough, you just shut the door and back away from the rope line. Museum closed. Come back tomorrow.

Let’s see. What else. Justin refused to get out of the car at day camp, not one, not two, but all four days. I’m not sure how this was resolved, gentle coaxing or Jaws of Life, but eventually Adam got him moving.

They ate about three boxes of Pop Tarts and had fits when the chocolate ones ran out, since blueberry and brown sugar cinnamon in this house are apparently akin to child abuse.

There was the usual whining, fighting, punching, kicking, crying and telling, but that’s a regular week, so I’m not awarding any bonus points for those.

And then there were plenty of those super slow-motion freaky-deaky moments Justuce does when she doesn’t want to cooperate, which is often. Ask her to pick up a toy or a shoe and she doesn’t just ice you out, she turns into a bottle of Aunt Jemima after an all-nighter in your freezer. NASA is currently studying the speed of her body movements as they prep the first Mars astronauts for the nine month transit time.

All in all, Adam did an excellent job. When I got home, everything passed the “b” inspection (nothing was broken, bleeding or barfed on). The kids were happy, they greeted me with hugs and happiness (wonders never cease), and Adam still has what’s left of his hair. None of the furniture was scarred, charred or smoldering, which is somewhat of a surprise, because you should see these kids jiggle when they light the Shabbat candles.

The most radical social experiment in modern history, passed with flying colors.

Just don’t tell Adam I said that. He’s still hiding in the bathroom taking his anti-seizure meds and waiting for his digestive system to recalibrate.