Kid of the Day

With a highly competitive pair of siblings on our hands -- and no kidding, when we say highly competitive, we're not whistling Dixie -- these kids were actually in therapy being treated for their powderkeg of competitive issues a full year before we got them -- we've had to do what we can, rather quickly, to get up to speed and tone down the battles.

I think I mentioned once before in this blog, J1 and J2's sibling rivalry runs circles around the usual slap-happy sib shit. J2 once got two more ice cubes in his restaurant drink than J1 did, and swear to God, WWIII broke out, tears, tantrums, live ammunition and everything.

So Adam, bless him, early on, came up with "kid of the day." Three or four days into their initial placement, we were already exhausted over the endless bickering and (no kidding) violent tantrums that happened everytime one of them beat the other one to the doorknob. Fighting over who got to actually enter the house first became, no exaggeration, blood sport.

So "Kid of the Day" was invented to hand off some rather mundane honors that nonetheless seem vitally important to their world-weary, security-starved 6-and-7-year-old brains. Silly as it seems, we've actually posted a monthly calendar, taped to the fridge, with each little white box clearly labeled "J1" or "J2," so the kids can easily look up who's got "Me First" rights for any particular day. It rotates. Justin one day, Justuce the next, and so on and so on, into infinity.

And with only constant exceptions, it works like a charm.

Kid of the day doesn't really get you much around here. Beverly used to say "that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee," and honestly, that's about all it's worth, even though (sorry, Beverlita) Starbucks wouldn't even meet you at the counter if you walked in with a pair of quarters these days.

But for what it's worth, kid of the day honors roughly include:

Getting carried downstairs first in the morning. I do pick up and carry the kids when I wake them up in the morning, and creepily doting as that may seem to more established moms and dads, I plan to do so for the foreseeable future. It's regressive, but it's part of our attachment therapy. It's also the only way I get sleepy halfhearted hugs before they're awake enough to hate me again.

Kid of the day also gets you, in no particularly fascinating order, first dibs out of the house, occasional TiVo control, the house key when we all come inside and the right to push the garage door button. Elevator buttons too, if God help you all, you ever meet us out in public.

You wouldn't think any of these honors are particularly vital or valuable, but God Almighty, you should see the fur fly when J1 opens a doorknob when J2 is kid of the day, or vice-versa. Simply put, hell hath no fury.

"She opened my door!!! I'm Kid of the Day!!!!!"

This sheer indignancy is screamed out at lung-popping, ear-bleeding volume, as if the very fabric of the universe is being single-handedly ripped apart at the seams by the pure, unadulterated evil of a sibling gone mad. When Kid of the Day's powers are usurped by Non-Kid of the Day, dogs howl, babies cry, and Adam and I hide under the kitchen table as seven kinds of shite break loose.

Clearly, Kid of the Day is far more important to them than to we mere mortals. In fact, I was thinking this morning, to them, it's almost prizeworthy and exciting in the classic game show sense.

"Tell us, Johnny. What do we have hiding behind the curtain for Kid of the Day?"

"I'll tell you, Ryan. Kid of the Day's fabulous star-studded adventure begins by being carried downstairs first!! (Tremendous studio audience applause). That's right, Justuce or Justin, your full-day, non-stop reign as Kid of the Day begins by being tenderly whispered out of a sweet sound sleep and carried downstairs to the couch where you will be given a pillow pet, a snuggy blanket, and a sippy cup full of Mott's Original Apple Juice a full sixty seconds before your sibling! (Audience "ooh's). That's Mott's, the leading producer of apple sauce and fruit juices for kids and adults. There's half a cup of fruit in every drink. Since 1842. Mott's Original Apple Juice. 100% juice. 100% yum!"

"And that's not all! The next exciting part of your Kid of the Day prize package is first dibs on the TiVo remote!! (Studio audience goes crazy once again). That's right, Justuce and Justin, one of you lucky winners will get to pick up the TiVo remote, push the button, and decide which show will start the morning!! The mystery crew from Scooby Doo? The sun coming up over Sesame Street? Or maybe...just maybe...twenty more minutes of the Disney Channel movie you had to shut off last night at bedtime??? You decide! The choice is yours!!! (Studio audience now out of their minds with applause). It all comes your way courtesy of your fabulous Kid of the Day TiVo remote!! That's TiVo, featuring the reinvented, reimagined TiVo Premiere. Record up to 4 shows at once and 75 hours of HD programing! Tivo! The one box that does it all!"

(Music changes into happy Carribbean island theme)...

"Next up, what Kid of the Day globetrotting journey would be complete without being first kid out of the house on the way to the car!! (Audience nearly shitting themselves in hysteria by this point!) Justuce or Justin, one of you lucky winners will actually get to put on your shoes, open the laundry room door, and step out into the garage a full two seconds before your sibling!! And guess what?? It's a mad dash to the same old car you ride in every day!! That's right kids, it's Daddy's 2005 Hyundai Elantra!!! (Studio audience now in complete, rabid frenzy!) You'll ride to school in two-liter, four-cylinder comfort, with automatic transmission and side curtain airbags, and only 88,000 miles on the odometer!! With Hyundai, fun is where you find it. That's Hyundai. New thinking. New possibilities."

(Music segues into tympani roll and dramatic build-up)...

"And Justuce and Justin, we've saved the best for last, because no Kid of the Day grand prize package would be complete without the absolute right and privilege of unlocking the door when we get home and pushing the garage door button to make the garage door come down!!!!! (Studio audience completely loses control. Riots break out. National Guard called in). You'll have to see it to believe it! Daddy will hand you his ring of keys, and if luck is on your side, you'll get to play with the door lock for a full 95 seconds before you finally get the door open and let us all in the fricking house! And even better...on your way inside...you'll get to push the big white garage door button, and just like it does every day...the garage door will actually come down!!!"

"This is one great trick that never grows old! It's the Chamberlain Whisper Drive One-Half Horsepower Garage Door Opener, and every time you hit the button, it goes up or down, depending on its current position!!! Justuce and Justin, you have to see it to believe it! Purchased at Home Depot and lovingly installed by Dad and Daddy's friend Dale Dobbe in 2002 for a couple of drinks and a buffet at Texas Station, this rugged beauty comes with two car remotes, manual keypad which now sticks on the first digit, and the fabulous, backlit, interior panel you'll touch with your finger, light up, and bring your slightly-dented family garage door down to a rousing and satisfying finish!!"

"This once-in-a-lifetime prize package is yours every other day, since we rotate kids, but it's all yours, Justuce or Justin, when you're the next, fabulous, incredibly lucky...Kid of the Day!!!!"

(Audience cheers, music swells to a finish, National Guard troops called off until 6am following morning).

Fabulous parting gifts for everyone involved, including our Kid of the Day home version. J2 had the honors today, so you can mark your calendars and play along at home. J1, lucky little darling, is up tomorrow.

Mazel tov, pumpkin. That and $3.59 will get you a Venti Latte.