The Happiest Place on Earth

I'm looking at our pictures from Disneyland two weeks ago, and I have to admit, for all my endless Blogger blubbering, we look like a pretty happy new family.

Here's a picture of Justin in the car, headphones on, movie playing, Kindle in front of him, multitasking his way through "How to Eat Fried Worms," Angry Birds, and his sister's relentless teasing. But nobody got hit, nobody threw up, and both kids had bladders of steel, faithfully peeing on cue whenever we asked them. And in a 270 mile drive to Anaheim, that's nothing short of a miracle.

Here's a picture of Adam driving. Adam drives most of the way to Los Angeles at 190 miles an hour. When turning corners, the car goes up on two wheels. He did this once on the way back from Visalia through the Tehachapi mountains, and he aged me by ten years. That's why I'm wrinkled. That's why I'll look old at Justice's wedding. Adam also pees a lot on road trips. We stop for him, not the kids. The kids have bladders of steel. Adam has a bladder of aluminum foil.

Here's one of Adam on our first lunch stop, holding up the new, special bacon menu at Denny's. I don't often type the letters "WTF" because I'm not a texty, shorthandy kind of guy and I'm a little skittish about the "F" word in my journals in general. But seriously, Denny's...really? Maple Bacon Sundae? Maple Bacon Milkshake? Salted Carmel Brownie Sundae with Bacon? WTF??? Even if I did not keep kosher, even if I farmed pigs for a living, WT-Almighty-F are you doing? Oy vey!

Here's our parking space in the Mickey and Friends Garage. Level 5. Donald Duck Level. I was so excited to get things started, I took ten pictures of the parking garage and the tram.

Here's Justin squinting in the sun in his first set of mouse ears. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God, for letting us buy our kids their first set of mouse ears at Disneyland. Justin's look like Perry the Platypus from Phineas & Ferb. I have no idea who Perry the Platypus is. But it is so much fun listening to Justin say "platypus." Better than taking him out for a hot dog to hear him say "Wienershnitzel." Justice's mouse ears are the sparkly princess kind, with the long, flowing streams of pink-blue pastel lace scarf flowing behind them. Did we expect her to go with anything a little more understated? No.

Adam and I bought the old-school, original mouse ears. Black felt, black plastic. Original logo on the front. Younger people in the park didn't even know they still existed. One young guy in line asked Adam if they were antique collectables we brought from home. Yes, to the younger generation, we look that old.

Here's one of Justice and Justin standing in front of the Sleeping Beauty Castle. Happiest Place on Earth, my ass. It was 90 degrees and they were squinting directly into the sun. Plus, they just got back from waiting 60 ridiculous minutes in a Spring Break-sized line for the Dumbo ride. The Dumbo ride! It doesn't do anything! You sit in Dumbo and he goes up and down! 60 freaking minutes! Needless to say, they are not posing patiently for another one of Dad's happy crap pictures in this one. They're ready for a Diet Coke and some orthopedic mouse slippers.

Here's one of all of us on the Tea Cups. Oh, Lordy, how I love the Tea Cups. We gave them cotton candy beforehand, hoping they'd get a little green around the gills, but they didn't even blink. These two kids have constitutions like billy goats. They could eat four cotton candies, two milkshakes, a couple of churros and a tin can, and they wouldn't even burp. Absolutely, digestively steady-as-she goes at all times. Tea Cups, you didn't stand a chance.

Here's one of Adam and the kids leaning over the moat around the castle. Adam told them he spotted a crocodile in the water, and God bless him, they believed it. They spent all three days walking ever-so-slowly over that castle bridge, craning their necks, hoping for a glimpse of Daddy's elusive crocodile. Good one, Daddy. Tell them there's candy buried in the carpet if they clean their rooms.

Here's one of Justin with his first light saber after we came off the Star Tours ride. I didn't get to watch him take his first baby steps. I didn't get to hear him say his first words. But I'll teach him to drive and I'll teach him to shave and I watched him throw his first NFL football and I bought him his first light saber. And in my world, those are riches beyond measure.

Here's one of Justice making her cute face so we'd buy her something. Who knows what. A stuffed kitten? A parasol with her name on it? Little does she know it's Disneyland, it's her first trip, and Adam and I are going to buy her anything she wants. It's pre-ordained. It's already in the grateful, celebratory stars. We don't tell her this in advance, though, because it's fun watching her make the cute face.

Here's one of the kids wearing face paint. Justice is a pink and blue kitty. Justin is a warrior. Justice takes to face paint like a fly takes to honey. Put a face paint booth at any event or venue, and it truly becomes her primary reason for living. 55 rides and 510 acres of fun at Disneyland and it all comes to a screeching halt while we look for the face paint. It's behind the Matterhorn, by the way, if you ever need to know. You'll have to ask about two dozen dazed, disoriented parents before you actually find the helpful couple who'll remember where their sunstroked kid got their face done-up. Finding the face paint is the ever-important needle in any of Justice's special event haystacks. Disneyland was no excepetion. Cha-ching. $31 for a kitty and a warrior. Mission accomplished.

Here's one of Justin climbing around the cage of bones on Tom Sawyer Island. Justice was not impressed. He liked climbing the caves and crannies and stumbling joyfully over the rolling log bridges, and she was bored with the whole thing. "Boys are so dumb" radiated from every eye-roll until the Columbia set sail back for New Orleans Square and her macaroni and cheese and carrot sticks dipped in ranch dressing for lunch.

Here's one of Justin talking on our restaurant buzzer. He thought it was a cell phone and didn't understand why nobody was talking back. He jumped ten feet when it finally went off.

Here's one of me in my giant pug t-shirt. We don't own a pug, but it was a funny shirt, so I bought it. It was definitely a crowd pleaser in line. I got several compliments. Justice was kind enough to point out that its giant eyes lined up perfectly with my giant boobs. Bless you, child. You will never be faulted for your lack of honesty.

Here's Justice driving the Autopia cars. And here's Justin hot on her tail behind us. Lord, they loved those Autopia cars. "Let's do the cars again! Let's do the cars again!" That's all we heard for three days. $970 to get four people into Disneyland for three days. I could have walked them across the street to Las Vegas Mini Grand Prix for twenty bucks a head. Live and learn.

Here's one of the kids with Minnie Mouse. And all of us with Mickey. And two of them with Pluto. And one of them with Goofy. We don't have any princess shots, strangely. We looked over in Fantasy Faire, but they must have been on break. We did see Mulan over by the Mark Twain Riverboat, but by then the Ritalin was wearing off and by the time she saw Justice rushing toward her in what appeared to be a potential full-on tackle, she took off running.

Here's one of the kids outside of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. We tried to explain to them how we used to equate this ride with Grandma Katie driving down Rainbow Boulevard when she still had her license at age 89, but they didn't draw the correlation. Before their time, I guess.

Here's Space Mountain. Man, that line was long. 90 minutes one day, 110 minutes the next day. I rememeber standing there, phone-posting my Facebook wall, "At what point does standing in a 90-minute line for a 90-second ride become pure folly?" The answer is never, because the kids loved it and the $14 dollar picture at the end is priceless. Adam is laughing. Justice is laughing. I'm throwing my head back, laughing like a loon. And poor Justin has his head buried so far into my chest, it's bringing back memories of Kanga and Little Roo. "I had my eyes open," he assured me later with recovered bravado. "I just looked down at the ground."

Here's a dozen more of the Autopia cars. Man, Justin was pissed we got the Fast Track pass for Indiana Jones that night instead of Autopia. Indiana Jones just annoyed him. Fast access to Autopia, he considered his birthright. We're all in serious trouble when that kid turns 16. He cranks those cars around the corners with the passion and concentration of Jeff Gordon on a qualifying run. God help us all. States, keep your overly-cautious seat belt laws in place.

Here's one of Justice staring over the railing waiting for the Jungle Cruise. Man, is she pretty. She just radiates all of that beauty and presence in such a dignified, confident way. "She's got a way about her," Billy Joel sang back in my day. "I don't know what it is, but I know that I can't live without her." Here's the picture that proves it. That's her brother in the background, quacking like a duck. He radiates entirely different things. But I know that I can't live without him either.

Here we are, the four of us, coming down Splash Mountain. Speaking of radiating things, I'm fairly certain Justin peed his pants on the way down Splash Mountain. He had a great time. Wanted to go right back on it. But I'm fairly certain he pissed himself, God bless him. He got away with it scott free as we got off the ride -- we were all soaked from stem to stern -- Adam in the front took the brunt of the hit, and Justin's wet pants legs didn't even register on my radar -- but back in the hotel that night, the soggy, Spongebob essence of eau de little boy on the underwear he tossed on the bathroom floor was a little too pronounced to explain any other way.

Future Justin, I know I'll be proud of you for many things on many days, but here's one I'll always remember. You were so scared on Splash Mountain, you pissed yourself. And then you got right back on. You get bonus points for that one, kiddo. You look life in the eye, and pee or no pee, you bounce back, fearless. Always do that, Justin. That'll take you far.

And here we are, waiting for the train ride. Day is done. Trip is over. Three days at the park, five days in California. My feet are so tired, I can barely hobble up the platform.

"My dogs are barking," I say to Adam.

"My dogs need to be put down," he replies, and we laugh.

That, too, will become a phoned-in Facebook status.

The kids, however, are still going strong. Train ride around the park, tram ride back to the parking garage and they're still turning cartwheels on the way back to the car while elderly dad number one and elderly dad number two wonder what in the overactive hell we've gotten ourselves into.

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means friendship to everyone
Though the mountains are wide
And the oceans divide
It's a small world after all.

It was a smashing trip to Disneyland. The microcosm and magic of traveling for the first time as a post-adoptive family of four turned our big world into a small one, and put problems on hold for a blessed week of sheer, ridiculous, expensive joy. Money well spent and a trip worth waiting for.

Disneyland 2013. The first, the finest, and the one that sets the bar. Like a first kiss from a sweetheart, the one that all future kisses will be compared to, and found lacking.

Thanks for looking at the pictures with me.

You'll notice we're smiling in all of them.